Current mood: pensive

It’s interesting really…the rise and fall of everything in my newly acquired singledom.  There seems to be a constant push and pull.  I still love him…no, I don’t.  I still need him…no, I don’t.  I still want him…no, I don’t.  He’s a good man…no, he’s not.  He’s a good dad…no, he’s not.  He’s an honest man…no, he’s not.  There’s truth in all of it, with none of it being absolute.  Letting go is proving to be quite a bit trickier than I’d ever imagined.  Might have something to do with the fact that my anger has subsided enough to let me feel…everything else.  In another blog I wrote that the dissolution of a marriage is like the amputation of oneself.  I’m here to tell you that it is not “like” it…it “is” it.  I’m moving forward, wherever that is.  You know, come to think of it…What EXACTLY does that mean anyway?  Forward is not a very specific direction.  I mean I could move forward all day long in hopes of getting to California.  But if I’m heading south instead of west then it doesn’t matter how long I continue in that forward motion…I won’t get to my destination without heading in the right direction. 

I did something unlikely the other day.  I signed up on a website for singles called match.com.  ”Tell us about yourself and your perfect match.”  That’s what the website asked me to do.  Ugh.  Is somebody kidding me? So I sat there trying to be clever without sounding like an ass…fabulous without sounding desperate…interesting without sounding impossible.  All the while “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” was playing in my head like a really bad B movie soundtrack.  Seriously, ideally, on a singles website, is NOT how I want to meet…well anyone really.  It all seems a bit …ick…  My dilemma is that while I have a few ideas on how to meet new people in the real world…  I’ve had suggestions from a very dear friend like the bookstore…”Have you met Calvin and Hobbs?” or taking a class, joining a gym…taking dance lessons….tango anyone?  All phenomenal ideas if I could get past the part where I have to introduce myself.  “Hello, my name is Anacris.  I’ve just had my heart shattered.  Would you like to go for some coffee?”  The truth is, I don’t know how to be single.  I’ve never really been single.  I’ve always been a part of an us.  And even now, I’m a single mom…which makes me part of a broken us.

There are a few good things that have come out of this.  (Don’t you just love silver linings?)  An extreme loss of appetite has been working wonders on the formerly unmovable extra pounds I’ve been carrying around.  I’ve taken up learning to play the guitar and have even written a song (shameless plug coming up.)  I’ve started a new myspace for my newlyfound love of guitar and songwriting.  Please feel free to check it out and *whispering* add my new profile too?  www.myspace.com/anacrisforever For the moment, that is about as directioned as I can be.  In the meantime, I’ll just keep doin’ what I do.  That’s all for now.

Ciao!  Hasta la pasta baby!