A while back, when I had a land line and before I got DSL, I subscribed to Peoplepc (a dial up internet provider.) After we got DSL, I called to cancel the peoplepc and after spending about 30 minutes in their phone maze and on hold, they talked me into keeping the thing “just in case”. Heh. Eventually I got rid of the land line and called once again to cancel. The phone maze lasted longer and so did hold and so my impatience got the better of me and I vowed to call back later when I had more time and hung up on the awful hold music. Heh. I put it off so long that a month went by and I was charged $10.95 for a service I was not and could not use. This irked me. But not enough to spend 45 minutes on the phone, so I fell into a pattern of being irked at the $10.95 and not doing a damned thing about it….for more than a few months. I’m not even gonna tell you how many. Just know that it’s a ridiculous number! In November, the $10.95 became more irksome than I could stand. So I looked up the customer service number, braced myself, and dialed. I spent about 15 minutes in the maze and on hold and eventually reached an electronic voice that informed me that the account had been cancelled as of November 2nd. Really? Wow! That’s fan-freakin’-tastic! Imagine my luck! How did that happen? Not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I did not question the powers that be on the stroke of great luck, rather I sat back and enjoyed the rest of my day in a sort of heady bliss. Not 5 days later, I logged into my bank account only to find ANOTHER $10.95 missing from my account! What the? This did not irk me. It pissed me off! I immediately, once again looked up the number and called. This time waiting considerably longer than 15 minutes in their phone maze and on hold. After a ridiculous amount of time, I ended up at another electronic voice informing my that my account had been cancelled as of November 2nd. What the? Is somebody kidding me? I hung up called back and pushed buttons until I freaking got a live voice. Now, it’s been my very recent understanding that many companies are outsourcing their customer service call centers. And that there’s a good chance that you won’t speak to someone who lives in the States. It is this girl’s opinion, that this was the case in this particular situation as I could not understand one half of what the gentleman who took my call was saying. Oh, he was speaking English…just not very clearly at all. After about 20 torturous minutes on both of our parts, I came to understand that the department I needed to speak with was closed at the moment, “please call back on Monday between 9 and 5.” This was Friday at 6 pm. That gave me a whole freakin’ weekend to forget situation. And forget I did. Another month passed. Is SOMEBODY kidding me? Faced with an entirely stronger resolve, this morning I decided to fix this once and for all. I called at 8 am.

People pc- We’re very sorry ma’am but our office hours are 9-5, please call back then.

Fine. I patiently waited until 9 am and eventually reached a gentleman with a very thick middle eastern accent. I explained that I called to cancel my account and was informed that it had already been canceled. But that money was still being deducted from my checking account, and could he please help me resolve the issue. I can’t transcribe here what was said between us, not because it wouldn’t be politically correct, but because I just couldn’t understand him. After another considerable amount of time, he found my account and informed that indeed the account was still active. Sigh. Not really in the mood to be combative. I resigned myself to just having the account cancelled from here forward. Except guess what? He couldn’t cancel the account, but he would be happy to transfer me to the cancellation department. Wait…isn’t that who I was talking to? Okay fine. Transfer me. This time I got a female voice that I could not understand very well and who apparently could not understand me either. She asked me for my account number, which I did not have. Then my email address with peoplepc, which I did not remember. Could I spell my name then please? THAT I could do. I proceeded to spell-my-name-out-letter-by-letter…to no avail. I even did the old “N as in Nancy, T as in Tom” thing….to no avail.

Ppc-Ma’am, is there another name the account could be under?

Me-What? NO! This is the only name I have.

Ppc- Well, since I cannot find it under your name, I will have to trans….

Me-NO! Do not transfer me! (and I spelled my name again….as though doing it for a fifth time was going to make a difference…still to no avail. Damn!)

And she transferred me anyway. Damn, damn!

I got transferred to yet another person, man this time, whom I could not understand. Is SOMEBODY KIDDING me? HE informed me that the account was indeed cancelled and had been since 2005.

Just feel free to insert a lengthy string of expletives as that is what went through my mind right about then. Calmly I informed him that, that was not possible. That I did have an account that I cancelled in 2005 but opened a new one in 2006, could you please check again sir?

Ppc- Do you have the account number.

Me-(not so sweetly) Um, no, I can give you my name which is how it was found before.

Ppc- Ma’am I cannot find the account and since you cannot provide me with more information, I’m going to have to tr….

Me- NO! DO NOT TRANSFER ME! Let me speak to a supervisor please! Right now.

…and I’m transferred…again. I think steam came out of my ears at this point.

Female voice this time. I started to tell her of my experience and when she tried to interrupt me I said…”No no, don’t interrupt me please. I don’t want to be transferred, I just need you to listen as I have a lot to say right now….are you a supervisor?”

Ppc-No ma’am, I cannot transfer you to a supervisor until you verify the account….

Me-Listen lady, I-don’t-have-any-information-beyond-my-name-and-checking-account-in-reference-to-this-account….

Ppc-Well, we can look it up with your checking information.

BIG sigh.

I gave her my checking information and guess what? She FOUND the non-existing accout and then informed me that SHE could not cancel the account and she would have to…

No, please don’t say it…

…transfer me.

Me- Ma’am, I just want this account cancelled as I-no-longer-have-land-line-and-cannot-use-this-service. Please-just-cancel-the-account-so-I-can-hang-up-and-never-talk-to-you-people-again.

Ppc- I understand ma’am…

Me-Clearly, you don’t or you wouldn’t be trying to transfer me to yet another person who is going to want me to provide the same information you all have been trying to get out of me, which I DO NOT have.

Ppc- Ma’am, I need to transfer you, but I will first talk to the cancellation department and provide them with the information they need.

Bless you my child. *GIANT heavy sigh*

Cue another customer service rep.

Ppc- Hello ma’am. I understand you would like to cancel your account with us?

Me- Yes, thank you.

Ppc- And that it’s because you no longer have a land line and cannot use the service?

Me- Yes, that’s right.

Ppc- Do you think you’ll be getting another land line soon?

Me- No. I will not.

Ppc- Because we can offer you a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Me- Ma’am? I appreciate what you’re trying to do here and realize it’s a part of your job. But in all sincerity, I just want to cancel this account which I have been paying $10.95 for month after month, for a lot longer than I have been able to use it. Which has been great for you all because you’re getting free money from me….woo hoo for you, not so great for me. So if you could please just do whatever it is that you do in order for me to NOT be charged for another month, I sure would appreciate it.

Ppc- giggle

Hold up! Did she just giggle?

Ppc- I understand ma’am.

She then proceeded to explain that I could keep the email address and use it…you know, the email address I have never used and couldn’t remember because I NEVER USE IT…for only 98 cents a month….

Me- No, no. I’m good. Really.

Ppc- giggle

What the?

Ppc- I understand ma’am. You’re confirmation number is….

And that’s all for now.

Ciao! Hasta la pasta baby.